IVF and a Finish Line

Hi folks!

On my last post, I spoke about wether or not laparoscopy was something I felt I wanted. Before I jumped into making this decision, we decided to make an appointment with a Fertility Clinic.

This might be a longer post with a few dry details. For sure. Definitely Dry... I just re read it.

Let's talk consult:

Upon arrival, I was nervous and wondering if we fit that "type". You know, the IVF type. Sharp, successful, smart, classy, kinda like New Yorky?  In the waiting area sat two beautiful women in a love seat next to a fireplace. They were speaking with accents and seemed very at ease and in tune. Both were talking about yoga and how their class had gone that day, dressed immaculately. In my head I'm thinking, no way. This is crazy. I'm not fit enough! I don't yoga! We can't afford this! This isn't me... And then we were called to the back.

We spoke with a woman named Elaine. Elaine has become a source of comfort for me. I do not envy her job. She's the nurse on call. She's been there every time I'm in. She has been consistent and flustered and I love that her hair is always a little messy.

After Elaine took a few notes, Srey and I sat staring at each other. Both of us thinking, did we say everything we needed to? Did we miss anything? Are we supposed to be making a case for ourselves? Should we have gotten a referral?

After few minutes, the Doctor stepped in. He was very straightforward. We spoke about the miscarriage, of course. Of course, I cried. We spoke about my medical history. Nothing to see here. Unfortunately, we never had any answers as to what happened. Was it the infection that caused the miscarriage? Was it a genetic defect? He seemed so off put..... almost offended by our misfortune and the care we received at the hospital. This is why I keep telling everyone to be your own health advocate. So many times we should have spoken up and asked more questions. We don't have answers. He was alarmed that no one had tried to figure this out. Comparatively, this should have raised as many red flags as a woman with a history of multiple losses. He told me he wanted to thread a needle and by that he meant run a battery of tests and submit me for another procedure before we try to get pregnant.  He wants to see what he can do to prevent another miscarriage.

Oh my god, that makes sense. Why are we trying so hard to get pregnant without trying to figure out what happened first? Are we lucky that we didn't get pregnant? Would that have happened to us again?

He was able to see the results of my hsg. My tubes are indeed blocked. No question. IVF is the only way to move forward. Why get surgery when you can bypass fallopian tubes altogether? That's what I've been saying all along!!

I couldn't believe it! We are that "type". We are very fortunate. I went with my instinct and decided to move forward with the clinic.

Srey and I immediately gave blood and I was scheduled for a hysteroscopy the following Wednesday.

Now, a hysteroscopy is another surgical procedure in which a small lighted telescope is inserted into the uterus and from there they can diagnose or treat uterine abnormalities. Whilst under anesthesia, this was performed along with the scraping of my uterine lining and a biopsy was taken. Ugh. Utterly horrifying. For the love of god, do not google any of this before you go in.

I was terrified. On a scale of 1-10, I was an 11. I thought up until that last second, I have a chance to back out. Just back out. I had been experiencing panic attacks. Real, true to the truest nature of panic attacks. The worst, but I followed through. I think that the panic attack was worse than the actual procedure. I even remember waking up from a very pleasant dream. All in all, it took about twenty minutes and we only used a small dose of anesthesia. Going under is one of my biggest fears, so when I woke up, I was quite proud of myself and babbling thank you's to everyone in the room like I had won an award.

We went in for our final consultation the following week.

Srey is of course the most perfect, handsome being on the planet. He's fine. My biopsy came back normal. My uterus is healthy. My blood work has shown a possible ANA. What's that? I'm going to be honest. I still am not 100% certain and I'm not looking into it now. I can't put that on my plate. I have tested negative for autoimmune disorders thus far. Still, nothing to show a cause for alarm or a definitive answer.

We discussed moving forward with IVF. We have also discussed the need for genetic testing of the eggs. Even though it seems excessive, at this point, anything we can do to prevent another miscarriage is a priority. This is where the majority of our costs will be incurred.

Let's talk medicine.

If you find yourself looking into IVF, let me be the first one to tell you this... Yeah, it seems difficult and expensive. It is. It's not impossible though.

I was reading that most patients can look at spending anywhere from $3,000- $6,000 on your injections. This is a cost that we were expecting. Fortunately, our insurance covers, well, a giant chunk of this. Also, look into your insurance. A lot of companies are now offering to pay a portion of IVF treatment. For us, it's up to $10,000. The total IVF treatment costing around $17,000 on average for most people. Still, there are ways to save, take loans or prepare with insurance coverage. Expensive, not impossible.

Another side note, for a lot of people adoption is not always an option. Srey and I for example. There are a lot of stipulations and in cases of adoptions within the states, it can still be quite costly and the birth parents can choose, quite discriminately, a couple that fits their needs. For instance, non biracial. Chosen religion, Christianity. Yearly visitations. Pregnancy and living expenses. It all just seemed way out of reach for us. I'm an advocate for adoption and we are still looking into ways we could potentially make this work, but for now.....

Back to medicine.

Srey is injecting me with medication. We are putting this on youtube. I swear a little and it's embarrassing. It wasn't so bad at first. It was only one shot. I was having panic attacks and for a minute I was having fake side effects.... I mean, totally faking myself out. I'm ridiculous. Today and from here on out, we are injecting three times a day. The new shots, are a bit more painful and I have a stomach full of bruises, but it's still... actually not that bad... I'm cringing a little thinking about it though.

Yesterday, knowing that we were upping our doses and that I had a nasty headache from the meds, Srey brought me home some candy, some tylenol and prepped the needles. He's started saying sorry, sorry, sorry as he inserted the needle. I love him.

Today is Friday. I go in Monday for my third ultrasound to measure my follicles. Those are the lil guys that hold my eggs. This should be my final ultrasound before the egg retrieval.

I'm a plethora of emotion. It's like walking along razor wire. I have so many what ifs in my head. I can't tell if it's from anxiety or if I should actually be worried. I didn't have as many follicles present as we had hoped for, but the doctor still thinks we look good.

The gist of it is.

The average woman my age will have about 10 eggs retrieved during this procedure. Now cut that in half. The remaining 5 will be genetically viable and fully developed eggs, or oocyte. Now cut that in half... These are the eggs will have hopefully been fertilized. One or two eggs. That's it!

That being said,you know, life keeps going on for other people around you and that's easy to forget when you're going through fertility treatments. I keep having to remind myself. For several days, I've been talking and texting non stop about my injections and this miscarriage for almost a year. I mean it's all I can think about. I'm creating a bubble around myself and a world around my treatment. I have a lot riding on this and I have a great support system, but man, not everything is about me. I mean, how am I not remembering to ask about them, their days, their kiddos? It's important to make sure you are still fostering those relationships with the people you love when you're going through this. I feel bad, maybe it's the hormones. So, for everyone that has been there for us, I more than appreciate you. I'm here for you too. 

Brief pause, I am emotional. It's the injections.  That said, the above paragraph still holds true.

So, to end this blog....

I can finally see the finish line and one way or the other. Srey and I know that we have tried our best and we have each other. As it goes, almost poetically, we'll know how to move forward by the end of the year.

On my next blog entry, we'll discuss my egg retrieval! Wahoo! 

Let me know if you have any questions! Please feel free to share with someone if you think it will help.

Below is a link to my youtube channel!

https://youtu.be/sgVjsROM61w

Dusting Myself Off and Checking Myself In.

Infertility, IVF, OBGYN and a lot of fucking swear words.


Hi there ladies. Hi there Gentlemen. Hi there to All Inclusive and Anyone Reading because this sucks for anyone to go through group.

Last month, we had talked about the results of an HSG my doctor had recommended giving me as our timeline for natural conception, I'm ovulating let's get busy time, seemed to be running into overtime. I was devastated, but with this entire year, our ups and downs.... and downs and downs, I needed to get back up and dust myself off.

My OBGYN had determined that my fallopian tubes had been damaged as a result of the miscarriage I experienced in January. The damage to my tubes was so severe that they are now blocked by scar tissue. There is no way an egg, oocyte, can pass through them. Fuck. What do I do with that information?

I felt as though I had been punched in the gut. My chest was empty. Was it not enough to lose my baby? Now I have to face the fact that I can no longer conceive... My head was spinning and my feet were nowhere to be found. How the fuck is any of this happening to me? Me of all people? I say that, because as I have said before, I have always been extraordinarily average. Right now, it seems as though I keep getting knocked over with these weird circumstances and tiny percentages.

My OBGYN wanted to schedule an immediate surgery known as laparoscopy. I had my reservations and upon swimming in my own head for a few minutes, I decided to acknowledge his plan, do some research on my own and go home to cry about it. I thanked him and excused myself.

I just feel that in this last year, it is up to me to be my own advocate. I need to own my body and I need to do what I feel is in my best interest. I hadn't ruled this procedure out, I did however, decide to look into all of my options.

After melting, rolling around in my carcass, going into blackout mode and then straight into panic mode for the next couple weeks, I decided to start my research.

Laparoscopy.

Laparoscopy is a minimally invasive procedure. You are put under anesthesia, and a laparoscope is inserted and scar tissue is removed. This is a very basic explanation.

For me, As soon as I heard anesthesia and surgery, I started panicking.

From my understanding and my own research ( Please do your own research) I felt as though natural conception, following this procedure was not guaranteed. In fact, depending on where this blockage has taken place, the percentage of success can vary quite drastically. We did not know where this blockage was occurring, just that it was. I was also concerned about healing time. How long are we expected to keep at it until we were sure this surgery had or had not been successful? Through my research, it looked as though the ask on that was 18 months.... 18 more months? I don't know if I can do this dance for 18 more months. I am 36 and I feel as though I need to conceive as quickly as possible.

So, what I think about Laparoscopy.

If I was in my early 30's, absolutely. I would love to have my body feel like it belongs to me again. I would love to conceive naturally. I do not think the wait time is for me. 18 months. This has already been far too long and far too painful. The success rate of natural conception is not fully determined and is not a guarantee that I would not need to seek treatment down the road.

The following Monday, I made an appointment with a fertility clinic.

Srey and I have decided to move forward with IVF. We are going to bypass the tubes, the surgery and the wait. Now is the time. This is going to be our last big hurrah.

I'm scared and nervous. I've conditioned myself to be hopeful, but never too excited.

Next time we chat, I'll talk to you about our consultation, the expected costs, success rate, research and the procedures (hysteroscopy, blood work and genetic testing) it takes to get over your first hurdle.

And with that I bid you peace of mind and heart.  

As always, I check my email. If you need to reach out, please do. Please share this if you feel it might help.

alishawiese@gmail.com

XO

And When Life Decides to Hand You Motherfucking Lemons.

Where were we at?

On my last post I believe that I was discussing goals, anxiety and eluding to another visit with our OBGYN. I have made steps. Progress. Now, let me be clear......

Wait, wait, wait.

Gah, I'm having a hard time starting this post. I'm spinning.

I can't figure out a way to be eloquent or witty. I can't find a way to piece this together thoughtfully. I guess I should just be honest.... and ugly about it.

The last time I wrote, Srey and I had been anticipating a visit with our doctor. Major anticipation.  I made the appointment. We had just hurdled over the six month recommended timeline given to couples at our age trying to conceive naturally. It hasn't happened.

Srey and I have, for the last six months, been timing everything to a t. Im taking my temp. I have a calendar. I have an ovulation test kit. I have been eating healthy and purchasing books. Yoga. Breathing. I've even tried meditation..... Not for me, but I tried. Every month, I was picking up something new. Just to try. And every month... negative. Let me just tell you how quickly the romance can dissipate when the words, I'm ovulating come into play. This is real work. There is nothing sexy about infertility.

Im not going to detail this appointment. Not a lot came from it. Instead, we made another appointment. Slated immediately, he wanted to give me an hsg. Also, as it turns out, he believes I'm suffering from a condition known as PTSD. I can see that..

Now,  HSG is short for Hysterosalpingography. This is an imaging procedure in which your OBGYN examines the cavity of your uterus and fallopian tubes. A dye is injected through a tube into the uterus and liquid should be able to flow through your fallopian tubes.

Mine did not.

Needless to say, this procedure is quite painful but necessary to determine whether your(my) attempts... at conception are viable.

Again, mine are not.

As it turns out, my miscarriage has caused damage to my fallopian tubes and without surgery, I am unable to conceive naturally. It was the infection. The reason they had me stay overnight. The reason my white blood cell count was so high. The reason I was meant to be given antibiotics twice intravenously, but I was not. Now that I have this information... Uh, I don't know. I have this information and it feels like day one again. I feel like I've lost another piece of myself. I'm angry all over again.

The idea that someone could have prevented this absolutely kills me. That perhaps someone can go along unchecked after treating someone so poorly and not be accountable for the consequences of these actions infuriates me. I wish I had known better. People.... if you take anything from this, let it be to question everything. If something does not feel right, if you are in pain, if you're being ignored, if you know that your antibiotics should have been given to you...... if that exam fucking hurts. Say something! Demand attention. Call me if you need to and I'll demand it for you.

I am hurt, but I will be okay. I seem to be on this seesaw of emotions again. Bad/horrible. Sad/okay. Okay/okay. Good/okay. Great/Good. Good/Bad. That's how the seesaw works.

I am currently cycling Chlomid, because why not, and awaiting a consultation with a fertility clinic. Next time we chat, I'll talk about the surgery my OBGYN is advocating for. Details, healing time and everything that it entails. I'll also talk about my fertility consult. I'm not sure what to expect from there, but it should be eye-opening.

I'm not sure what to say now or how to end this. I thought I would be able to give you guys a happy ending or something promising, but no such luck. This is life, I guess. I just have to wait and see.



XOXO.

And Further on Down That Road

Hi friends.

Hmmm. Let's see. Last time we spoke, I had just started my healing process. I had just cut my hair off. I had just started going into our nursery. A lot has taken place since my last post. I loose my place a bit. It's difficult for me to go back and read these. It so heartbreaking. It's weird. I feel so bad for her.. me.

I believe that at one time, I mentioned writing down goals. When I started writing down goals I was desperate. I could no longer live in this pain and fear. I couldn't look at my husband anymore and see my reflection of sadness in his face. I had to do something and to be honest, it may not have been for me. I believe it was partially for him.

I remember cutting my hair off.

I started fervently searching for help. I called the office that we had been visiting for ultrasounds. They refused to see me. The same people who had greeted me so warmly before... They wouldn't help me. I spent the next two weeks searching under every rock for a doctor that was not affiliated with my OBGYN or my ultrasound tech/OBGYN location. This is New York!! How in the world was it so difficult to find another doctor. I heard no after no and the thought of returning to my original obgyn, well, it wasn't an option.

Finally and quite frankly out-of network, I found someone that was willing to see me. I knew that we could never expect answers. I guess I was looking for someone to hear me. Someone that may genuinely care about my body and my mind. Srey and I went in and thinking back, I can still feel my nervous energy. My eyes were wide. I was on the edge of my seat. We talked. He listened. We looked through the many many pages of my medical history. And then he asked me if I was ready....

I knew it was coming, but getting back in that chair, legs up after everything that had happened.... I was shaking. I felt so vulnerable. Ugh, I couldn't breathe. It was scary. It was terrifying,  but it was over quickly and it had to be done.

We found that I have a small uterine fibroid. Nothing that would have affected the pregnancy and nothing that should impact future pregnancies. We were given the all clear.

That day, I called my sister and my mom. I remember talking to them about it and feeling a strange sense of relief. Nothing was wrong with me. I must have been talking a million miles an hour. He has no reason to think this would happen a second time given proper care, bi-weekly measurement of my uterus and progesterone treatment. This was a fluke.

A fluke? That sense of relief didn't last very long.

I was jobless and my apartment was still dark.

Remember those goals I was writing down? I would write down very simple goals and strive to achieve at least one per week. The rest of the time I spent sweating and over analyzing these simple tasks.

1. Tell close friends and family...... I sent a text.
2. Find a new doctor... see above.
3. Take a walk.
4. Go shopping.
5 Try something new.
6. Write stuff down.

My try something new bucket has seemed to become a bottomless bucket of maybe's and why nots. It's a mixed bag and I'm open to ideas for sure.

Things I'm currently pondering.
1. Crossfit
2. Book club
3. Volunteering in some capacity
4. Starting an in-house studio
5. Visiting a psychiatrist

It's important to note, that since forever, I have suffered from some pretty severe panic attacks. These bursts of panic can be debilitating and can have a lingering effect on my psyche and sometimes my body. After our miscarriage, I had been in a constant state of fear and self doubt for the following three to four months. I have moments though. Or at least I'd like to think so.

That being said, my current hobby/title/why not...

Alisha Wiese - Background Actor

It gets me out of the house and puts a little money in my pockets... I'm meeting new people and I'm experiencing something that you could only experience in places like New York. I'm also taking care of myself. Maintaining my appearance, eating better and getting rest... It's so funny because I'm not really the type of person to put myself out there or in front of a camera, but for right now it's really giving me a boost in self confidence and it's a little self indulgent. My guard is coming down and I'm starting to really feel like myself again.

So, on my next blog, I'm going to start talking about next steps. What I mean by that is, we have been trying to conceive for our recommended six months. I have made another appointment, Srey and I have discussed options and we will find a plan of attack.

Cheers.

P.S. If you have any questions, comments or concerns please email me at alishawiese@gmail.com
Also, if you know someone that has gone through this experience and feel this would benefit them please share.