Hmmm. Let's see. Last time we spoke, I had just started my healing process. I had just cut my hair off. I had just started going into our nursery. A lot has taken place since my last post. I loose my place a bit. It's difficult for me to go back and read these. It so heartbreaking. It's weird. I feel so bad for her.. me.
I believe that at one time, I mentioned writing down goals. When I started writing down goals I was desperate. I could no longer live in this pain and fear. I couldn't look at my husband anymore and see my reflection of sadness in his face. I had to do something and to be honest, it may not have been for me. I believe it was partially for him.
I remember cutting my hair off.
I started fervently searching for help. I called the office that we had been visiting for ultrasounds. They refused to see me. The same people who had greeted me so warmly before... They wouldn't help me. I spent the next two weeks searching under every rock for a doctor that was not affiliated with my OBGYN or my ultrasound tech/OBGYN location. This is New York!! How in the world was it so difficult to find another doctor. I heard no after no and the thought of returning to my original obgyn, well, it wasn't an option.
Finally and quite frankly out-of network, I found someone that was willing to see me. I knew that we could never expect answers. I guess I was looking for someone to hear me. Someone that may genuinely care about my body and my mind. Srey and I went in and thinking back, I can still feel my nervous energy. My eyes were wide. I was on the edge of my seat. We talked. He listened. We looked through the many many pages of my medical history. And then he asked me if I was ready....
I knew it was coming, but getting back in that chair, legs up after everything that had happened.... I was shaking. I felt so vulnerable. Ugh, I couldn't breathe. It was scary. It was terrifying, but it was over quickly and it had to be done.
We found that I have a small uterine fibroid. Nothing that would have affected the pregnancy and nothing that should impact future pregnancies. We were given the all clear.
That day, I called my sister and my mom. I remember talking to them about it and feeling a strange sense of relief. Nothing was wrong with me. I must have been talking a million miles an hour. He has no reason to think this would happen a second time given proper care, bi-weekly measurement of my uterus and progesterone treatment. This was a fluke.
A fluke? That sense of relief didn't last very long.
I was jobless and my apartment was still dark.
Remember those goals I was writing down? I would write down very simple goals and strive to achieve at least one per week. The rest of the time I spent sweating and over analyzing these simple tasks.
1. Tell close friends and family...... I sent a text.
2. Find a new doctor... see above.
3. Take a walk.
4. Go shopping.
5 Try something new.
6. Write stuff down.
My try something new bucket has seemed to become a bottomless bucket of maybe's and why nots. It's a mixed bag and I'm open to ideas for sure.
Things I'm currently pondering.
1. Crossfit
2. Book club
3. Volunteering in some capacity
4. Starting an in-house studio
5. Visiting a psychiatrist
It's important to note, that since forever, I have suffered from some pretty severe panic attacks. These bursts of panic can be debilitating and can have a lingering effect on my psyche and sometimes my body. After our miscarriage, I had been in a constant state of fear and self doubt for the following three to four months. I have moments though. Or at least I'd like to think so.
That being said, my current hobby/title/why not...
Alisha Wiese - Background Actor
It gets me out of the house and puts a little money in my pockets... I'm meeting new people and I'm experiencing something that you could only experience in places like New York. I'm also taking care of myself. Maintaining my appearance, eating better and getting rest... It's so funny because I'm not really the type of person to put myself out there or in front of a camera, but for right now it's really giving me a boost in self confidence and it's a little self indulgent. My guard is coming down and I'm starting to really feel like myself again.
So, on my next blog, I'm going to start talking about next steps. What I mean by that is, we have been trying to conceive for our recommended six months. I have made another appointment, Srey and I have discussed options and we will find a plan of attack.
Cheers.
P.S. If you have any questions, comments or concerns please email me at alishawiese@gmail.com
Also, if you know someone that has gone through this experience and feel this would benefit them please share.
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