On my last post, I spoke about wether or not laparoscopy was something I felt I wanted. Before I jumped into making this decision, we decided to make an appointment with a Fertility Clinic.
This might be a longer post with a few dry details. For sure. Definitely Dry... I just re read it.
Let's talk consult:
Upon arrival, I was nervous and wondering if we fit that "type". You know, the IVF type. Sharp, successful, smart, classy, kinda like New Yorky? In the waiting area sat two beautiful women in a love seat next to a fireplace. They were speaking with accents and seemed very at ease and in tune. Both were talking about yoga and how their class had gone that day, dressed immaculately. In my head I'm thinking, no way. This is crazy. I'm not fit enough! I don't yoga! We can't afford this! This isn't me... And then we were called to the back.
We spoke with a woman named Elaine. Elaine has become a source of comfort for me. I do not envy her job. She's the nurse on call. She's been there every time I'm in. She has been consistent and flustered and I love that her hair is always a little messy.
After Elaine took a few notes, Srey and I sat staring at each other. Both of us thinking, did we say everything we needed to? Did we miss anything? Are we supposed to be making a case for ourselves? Should we have gotten a referral?
After few minutes, the Doctor stepped in. He was very straightforward. We spoke about the miscarriage, of course. Of course, I cried. We spoke about my medical history. Nothing to see here. Unfortunately, we never had any answers as to what happened. Was it the infection that caused the miscarriage? Was it a genetic defect? He seemed so off put..... almost offended by our misfortune and the care we received at the hospital. This is why I keep telling everyone to be your own health advocate. So many times we should have spoken up and asked more questions. We don't have answers. He was alarmed that no one had tried to figure this out. Comparatively, this should have raised as many red flags as a woman with a history of multiple losses. He told me he wanted to thread a needle and by that he meant run a battery of tests and submit me for another procedure before we try to get pregnant. He wants to see what he can do to prevent another miscarriage.
Oh my god, that makes sense. Why are we trying so hard to get pregnant without trying to figure out what happened first? Are we lucky that we didn't get pregnant? Would that have happened to us again?
He was able to see the results of my hsg. My tubes are indeed blocked. No question. IVF is the only way to move forward. Why get surgery when you can bypass fallopian tubes altogether? That's what I've been saying all along!!
I couldn't believe it! We are that "type". We are very fortunate. I went with my instinct and decided to move forward with the clinic.
Srey and I immediately gave blood and I was scheduled for a hysteroscopy the following Wednesday.
Now, a hysteroscopy is another surgical procedure in which a small lighted telescope is inserted into the uterus and from there they can diagnose or treat uterine abnormalities. Whilst under anesthesia, this was performed along with the scraping of my uterine lining and a biopsy was taken. Ugh. Utterly horrifying. For the love of god, do not google any of this before you go in.
I was terrified. On a scale of 1-10, I was an 11. I thought up until that last second, I have a chance to back out. Just back out. I had been experiencing panic attacks. Real, true to the truest nature of panic attacks. The worst, but I followed through. I think that the panic attack was worse than the actual procedure. I even remember waking up from a very pleasant dream. All in all, it took about twenty minutes and we only used a small dose of anesthesia. Going under is one of my biggest fears, so when I woke up, I was quite proud of myself and babbling thank you's to everyone in the room like I had won an award.
We went in for our final consultation the following week.
Srey is of course the most perfect, handsome being on the planet. He's fine. My biopsy came back normal. My uterus is healthy. My blood work has shown a possible ANA. What's that? I'm going to be honest. I still am not 100% certain and I'm not looking into it now. I can't put that on my plate. I have tested negative for autoimmune disorders thus far. Still, nothing to show a cause for alarm or a definitive answer.
We discussed moving forward with IVF. We have also discussed the need for genetic testing of the eggs. Even though it seems excessive, at this point, anything we can do to prevent another miscarriage is a priority. This is where the majority of our costs will be incurred.
Let's talk medicine.
If you find yourself looking into IVF, let me be the first one to tell you this... Yeah, it seems difficult and expensive. It is. It's not impossible though.
I was reading that most patients can look at spending anywhere from $3,000- $6,000 on your injections. This is a cost that we were expecting. Fortunately, our insurance covers, well, a giant chunk of this. Also, look into your insurance. A lot of companies are now offering to pay a portion of IVF treatment. For us, it's up to $10,000. The total IVF treatment costing around $17,000 on average for most people. Still, there are ways to save, take loans or prepare with insurance coverage. Expensive, not impossible.
Another side note, for a lot of people adoption is not always an option. Srey and I for example. There are a lot of stipulations and in cases of adoptions within the states, it can still be quite costly and the birth parents can choose, quite discriminately, a couple that fits their needs. For instance, non biracial. Chosen religion, Christianity. Yearly visitations. Pregnancy and living expenses. It all just seemed way out of reach for us. I'm an advocate for adoption and we are still looking into ways we could potentially make this work, but for now.....
Back to medicine.
Srey is injecting me with medication. We are putting this on youtube. I swear a little and it's embarrassing. It wasn't so bad at first. It was only one shot. I was having panic attacks and for a minute I was having fake side effects.... I mean, totally faking myself out. I'm ridiculous. Today and from here on out, we are injecting three times a day. The new shots, are a bit more painful and I have a stomach full of bruises, but it's still... actually not that bad... I'm cringing a little thinking about it though.
Yesterday, knowing that we were upping our doses and that I had a nasty headache from the meds, Srey brought me home some candy, some tylenol and prepped the needles. He's started saying sorry, sorry, sorry as he inserted the needle. I love him.
Today is Friday. I go in Monday for my third ultrasound to measure my follicles. Those are the lil guys that hold my eggs. This should be my final ultrasound before the egg retrieval.
I'm a plethora of emotion. It's like walking along razor wire. I have so many what ifs in my head. I can't tell if it's from anxiety or if I should actually be worried. I didn't have as many follicles present as we had hoped for, but the doctor still thinks we look good.
The gist of it is.
The average woman my age will have about 10 eggs retrieved during this procedure. Now cut that in half. The remaining 5 will be genetically viable and fully developed eggs, or oocyte. Now cut that in half... These are the eggs will have hopefully been fertilized. One or two eggs. That's it!
That being said,you know, life keeps going on for other people around you and that's easy to forget when you're going through fertility treatments. I keep having to remind myself. For several days, I've been talking and texting non stop about my injections and this miscarriage for almost a year. I mean it's all I can think about. I'm creating a bubble around myself and a world around my treatment. I have a lot riding on this and I have a great support system, but man, not everything is about me. I mean, how am I not remembering to ask about them, their days, their kiddos? It's important to make sure you are still fostering those relationships with the people you love when you're going through this. I feel bad, maybe it's the hormones. So, for everyone that has been there for us, I more than appreciate you. I'm here for you too.
Brief pause, I am emotional. It's the injections. That said, the above paragraph still holds true.
So, to end this blog....
I can finally see the finish line and one way or the other. Srey and I know that we have tried our best and we have each other. As it goes, almost poetically, we'll know how to move forward by the end of the year.
On my next blog entry, we'll discuss my egg retrieval! Wahoo!
Let me know if you have any questions! Please feel free to share with someone if you think it will help.
