The Middle

We.

Both is us were full-time. My husband works in Manhattan and he’s an ultra creative. Srey. He’s in advertising and for years we thought that after we were married, we’d have a business card stating Mr and Mrs. Pen, Power Couple Extraordanaire. That may still be the case, but we’re definitely allowing for a few fumbles and maybe even some off-roading. He cares, not about my paycheck but my peace of mind and my ability to take risks. 

And then we were PREGNANT!

Srey and I have been planning this pregnancy for yeeeaarrrs. I mean it. We have been together for around 9 years and married for almost 3.

We went from planning on planning….., to planning……, to still planning.

I thought that in my thirties, this would be a more difficult process. As luck would have it and my husband’s firm belief in his efficiency, we were pregnant in a matter of months. After a few false starts. By that I mean, business trips and lack of motivation after long days of commuting and working. We could barely have dinner some nights, let alone, you know.

This is where my writing and mind are going to start processing and catching up. This was as far as I had gotten in my journaling.... if you will. This is where we might take a dip in tone.

Srey and I had started picking out baby names and, oh god, we had just announced the pregnancy at this point. I had planned on bringing everyone through the process. We were so happy. I had been shopping on Amazon, starting baby registries, Pinning the heck out of baby related articles on Pinterest. I was visiting my doctor regularly and everything was looking great, in fact, they stated more than great! My body was handling this pregnancy as well as someone ten years younger.

I was coming into my second trimester when I started to really feel wonderful. I was beaming. People had started offering me their seats on the subway.... and the baby's room. 

We named him Cooper.

I'll add a few pics here to help with the visuals and timeline.

The Beginning.

Well, here I am.

My name is Alisha.

I’m the sum of action, consequence, intermediate spurts of courage and creativity. I suffer from anxiety, at times. A matter of which has made it difficult to expel my utmost potential and throughout time, has also been a source of comfort and excuse. This is unimportant in the scheme of things though, I suppose. I focus on where I am, and with the encouragement from my husband and privacy I desire, I occasionally proceed with said action, courage and creativity.

I’m 35. I’m from a small town in Wyoming, which by my early standards, was actually quite populated. Later in life, I was able to see the fantastical side of this small town and the people that came from it, but that’s another story. Just keep in mind, the grass is always greener.

I’m married. I happen to have found the most adoring, intelligent and empathic of partners. He is highly creative, charismatic, courageous, forward-thinking, well thought, good natured and business minded individual I have met. I guess you’d say that he’s my polar opposite in many ways.

Please don’t take this writing as morose. In actuality, at this moment, I’m quite peaceful. I’m sitting here rendering thoughts and feelings of whimsy. Self- reflection can a bit bumpy. It's probably a bit colorful too. I still enjoy it. I love looking back.

Skip forward to when I quit my job……

I have always been very adamant about expressing myself the way I choose. I, in the past have been creative, a thinker, an individual. I’ve had hobbies and I’ve had opinions. I enjoyed who I was. Good and bad. In the past few years, I’ve grown. I’ve learned how to become a person that valued being part of a team A team of like minded banditos, who were very similar to me, and seemed to be on the outside before as well. This felt great! This felt like I was achieving something of greater purpose and I was doing it with them, I was doing it for them! I gained a lot in that time. I was able to speak to my business with passion and I was able to find people of the same manner  and encourage them to join us. Up and up and up.

In looking for perfecting my business self, I found that I was no longer interested in anything else. Not in my husband, not in travel, not in adventure. I just wanted to do business and I wanted to do it better.

I had quickly let my job take over my life, without realizing it. It was all I was thinking about. And when my job started to feel less than ideal for me…. Well, that was all I had. A job that I was unhappy in and I didn’t understand why. Why when my one focus was not leading to my happiness no matter how hard I tried. I let my personal identity disappear as I transformed into this other person. And when that other person was unhappy, I couldn’t look back and see anything else because it was gone.

Now, this all seems rather mellow dramatic. It's okay. I'm emotional. I just knew that at that moment, this wasn't for me. I understand. In hindsight, there were some very simple things I could have done to insure a separation of work and self and when I decided to quit, that was certainly the most drastic of measures, but that was what I needed.

I understand this may not be the decision everyone would make. I understand that not everyone is afforded the opportunity to make decisions like this. I’m not even sure I can afford to make a decision like this, but this is where I’m at and I’m not looking back

Another outside factor went into play as I decided to so drastically shift my lifestyle... My husband and I became pregnant with our first child. My job just didn't feel right and I just didn't want anything to happen.

I had my first bout of panic inducing morning sickness while stuck on the A train for over an hour. That was the beginning of the end.

Now..... I'm going to jump ahead and back. Let me explain.

I started this blog 3 months ago with the intention of posting shortly after the announcement of our pregnancy. Shortly after, my husband and I experienced a very unexpected loss. It has taken some time, but I've decided to continue with my original thought and intent, because it's just real life.

So, please read. Enjoy. Please feel free to ask me questions.