Where were we at?
On my last post I believe that I was discussing goals, anxiety and eluding to another visit with our OBGYN. I have made steps. Progress. Now, let me be clear......
Wait, wait, wait.
Gah, I'm having a hard time starting this post. I'm spinning.
I can't figure out a way to be eloquent or witty. I can't find a way to piece this together thoughtfully. I guess I should just be honest.... and ugly about it.
The last time I wrote, Srey and I had been anticipating a visit with our doctor. Major anticipation. I made the appointment. We had just hurdled over the six month recommended timeline given to couples at our age trying to conceive naturally. It hasn't happened.
Srey and I have, for the last six months, been timing everything to a t. Im taking my temp. I have a calendar. I have an ovulation test kit. I have been eating healthy and purchasing books. Yoga. Breathing. I've even tried meditation..... Not for me, but I tried. Every month, I was picking up something new. Just to try. And every month... negative. Let me just tell you how quickly the romance can dissipate when the words, I'm ovulating come into play. This is real work. There is nothing sexy about infertility.
Im not going to detail this appointment. Not a lot came from it. Instead, we made another appointment. Slated immediately, he wanted to give me an hsg. Also, as it turns out, he believes I'm suffering from a condition known as PTSD. I can see that..
Now, HSG is short for Hysterosalpingography. This is an imaging procedure in which your OBGYN examines the cavity of your uterus and fallopian tubes. A dye is injected through a tube into the uterus and liquid should be able to flow through your fallopian tubes.
Mine did not.
Needless to say, this procedure is quite painful but necessary to determine whether your(my) attempts... at conception are viable.
Again, mine are not.
As it turns out, my miscarriage has caused damage to my fallopian tubes and without surgery, I am unable to conceive naturally. It was the infection. The reason they had me stay overnight. The reason my white blood cell count was so high. The reason I was meant to be given antibiotics twice intravenously, but I was not. Now that I have this information... Uh, I don't know. I have this information and it feels like day one again. I feel like I've lost another piece of myself. I'm angry all over again.
The idea that someone could have prevented this absolutely kills me. That perhaps someone can go along unchecked after treating someone so poorly and not be accountable for the consequences of these actions infuriates me. I wish I had known better. People.... if you take anything from this, let it be to question everything. If something does not feel right, if you are in pain, if you're being ignored, if you know that your antibiotics should have been given to you...... if that exam fucking hurts. Say something! Demand attention. Call me if you need to and I'll demand it for you.
I am hurt, but I will be okay. I seem to be on this seesaw of emotions again. Bad/horrible. Sad/okay. Okay/okay. Good/okay. Great/Good. Good/Bad. That's how the seesaw works.
I am currently cycling Chlomid, because why not, and awaiting a consultation with a fertility clinic. Next time we chat, I'll talk about the surgery my OBGYN is advocating for. Details, healing time and everything that it entails. I'll also talk about my fertility consult. I'm not sure what to expect from there, but it should be eye-opening.
I'm not sure what to say now or how to end this. I thought I would be able to give you guys a happy ending or something promising, but no such luck. This is life, I guess. I just have to wait and see.
XOXO.
