A thought about the past past.
You know, upon publishing the last and most painful post, I immediately felt a sense of resolve. I felt lighter, stronger and free from the guilt that was associated with the loss. I was nervous in posting this blog initially because I was worried about the interpretation. I was worried that I might sound ungrateful, err. I was worried that I might sound like a real asshole when it came to up and quitting my job. But, I guess we all see things in different ways and well this was mine... so, I guess I owe it to myself to be honest. After posting this, I went back and thought about my choices... I realize that upon quitting my job... in a rush...I knew that I was emotionally taxed. I was on a rollercoaster. Pregnancy can be scary and the way that I was working.... commuting, communicating and eating had really started to effect my health. I won't go into details, but we did see how my pregnancy was directly affected from this. In short I found myself bleeding.... more than normal. Srey and I knew that this may be the only time I experience a pregnancy, so it was important that I protect myself. In the end, it really was a culmination of work and life colliding and creating the big bang which catapulted me into my new life. I had little control. And my new life, that's just beginning so right now I'm lost. I'm quiet and mostly scared, but I'm learning to get along. I know that I'll be able to find my way though. The point is, upon posting the last entry and feeling an immediate release of pain, I actually believe that I saw the hurt physically leave my body, but that the traces of doubt and the insecurities will always keep tugging at the most anxious and heavy handed parts of my brain. I think that's totally normal...., but I do feel better about the past passing in the manner it did.
On to the work in progress.
It's been a tough road with weight gain, depression and impressive amount of alcohol consumption. I had been experiencing a sense of anxiety that was making it hard for me to at times, even leave the house. I felt an insane amount of self doubt and and had been ridiculously self conscious after the miscarriage. When you experience loss, just the idea of releasing some of the sadness/guilt is a major hurdle. This loss is something that may one day be something I only think about a couple of times and others, it may take me back to that fucking day. Normal. But lately, and I really mean this.... I am beginning to see my old self. I mean, my face. I'm starting to recognize myself in the mirror again. I'm coming to terms with the gray hair and the new fine lines. I'm starting to see myself through the layers sadness and self doubt. It's like wiping off a mirror after you've taken a shower... and every time you wipe it, it becomes a little clearer. I guess that's the best way for me to describe it. I'm seeing that my eyes seem, eh... well, older and heavier, but they are still there and every once in a while I see them flicker. I'm seeing my old drive and lust for life. I went dancing. I wore skinny jeans. I'm smiling again.
I want to end today by talking about the number of women and men that have privately come forward to tell me their stories. I sincerely thank you for your support. I hope you understand how very much you've helped me. I personally know quite a few of these women that have come forward to lend a shoulder and to let me know that I wasn't totally alone. These women... I had no idea. Maybe I was just so into my own life.... I didn't see the hurt. I didn't see the process. I just never even knew. I'm sorry for that.
We need to talk about this more. Women. We are remarkable people.
Next time, well talk about the steps I took to get control over my life again. We'll talk about how I am working to get past my anxieties and self doubt. I do want to leave you with a little tid bit if you need help now... Write things down. The things you want to do, the doctors you want to see, the food you want to eat, the career choices you want to make. Write them down and start scribbling them out one at a time. For me, it I started with one goal a week. I didn't want to overwhelm myself. I scribbled slowly and then I forced myself to keep going.
Alright, If you need someone to talk to please email me at alishawiese@gmail.com
Feel free to share this with someone if it might help.
